14 Or More Things About Me

Brother Wings sent me this challenge on Facebook. I usually don't do these without questions to answer - or give snarky comments to. I just had to come up with 14 things about myself. How I got so many seems deliberate. I was also surprised at the honesty that some people have put into their 'points' - shows that we all have the same issues and fears. I like the validation I find in that.

1. I lost 35 lbs this year and I hope to be down another 15 by the time I am weighed at the end of November. It's the little changes in lifestyle, diet and exercise that make all the difference. I am happy I put in the effort if it gets me another 20 years of life and helps me fake it past my other insecurities. I once used food to make me happy but now I have substituted bitterness for calories. I find it a much more nourishing choice over cheeseburgers and Klondike bars.

2. I really have lost the spirit of Christmas. All the same arguments and 'The War of Christmas' by the religious right in the USA has snapped all the joy of the season from my heart - even more so than the crass commercialism of the holiday. I also prefer the solitude of my Cave to the company of people, ESPECIALLY at Christmas. I think about my father and how much he got out of the holiday. I just can't get into it since he is gone. I hate always feeling like I have to 'fake it'. I also hate gifts. People rarely get me something that shows they put more than a second worth of thought into. Plus they never show 'The Wish For Wings That Work' - the BEST Christmas cartoon of all time starring Opus the Penguin and Bill The Cat.

3. I am finding that as the years go by that I really enjoy watching Curling on TV and that I have developed a huge crush on many of the female curlers. There is just something about a girl wearing tight stretch pants and pushing a 40 lb. stone down the ice that I find attractive. Don't get me started on how great they look when they sweep. It's also the only sport I can talk about with my 73 year old mother and she knows all the players and all the games. She is a real student of the sport. If they still had the 64,000 Dollar Question on TV, she would win that category hands down.

4. I never slept much as a child or an adult. I probably slept two thirds less than anyone I knew. I am 48 in human life years but in terms of waking years I am probably in my mid 60s. I filled my waking hours with reading and watching old movies on TV well into the late hours of the night. I am glad my parents never worried too much about it. No Doctors so no one to turn me into some lab rat or drugged out zombie.

5. Five years ago I was shot at while trying to help a woman and her children escape a domestic violence situation. She went to another teacher who called me and suddenly the three of us and three kids and a dog were facing down two guys with rifles from our SUV. I was in the back seat telling the children and the dog to get down when the driver suddenly revved up the engine and I reached up and put the truck into reverse to prevent her from running them over and killing the guys with the guns. I don't know how I made that distinction in that moment but I did. I chose for all of us to get out alive, even the two asswipes with their guns. As we were backing up the two guys shot at the windshield. I got hit with some glass and I still have a few of the buckshot pellets in my head. No one else was injured and that was a lucky thing. I owe the gods for that one.

6. I have lived in a place that was so cold that the wind chill factor was meaningless. -60 degrees Celcius. I went out to get cottage cheese for my salad in my space suit-like military winter gear. It was a trip to see the stars so clear and the Northern Lights and everything crunching while I walked. I have seen the wild caribou herds thunder across Baffin Island. I have also seen the Pyramids of Egypt at sunrise and have a piece of the Berlin Wall that I carved out of the structure myself. They also LOVE me in Salzburg. Those are things I mostly experienced on my own and I hate that I have no one to share my stories with sometimes. However, I will always know my stories and they sound just as good each and every time I retell them to myself.

7. I have no real friends and I am okay with that. I have internet connections that mean a lot to me but no one who I ever call or just hang out with. In truth I avoid those kinds of in person situations like the plague. People are a lot of work and deserve more than my half efforts these days. I hate to talk on the phone. I hate it's ring. Maybe that is why I can also tell when the phone is going to ring. It's my one superpower. As superpowers go it's a pretty lame one. I am trying to reintegrate myself into the human race but it's not that easy. The Cave of Cool is pretty comfy and safe. And there are always salad fixins and garlic stuffed olives in the icebox.

8. I collected 12,000 comic books in my teens and twenties before getting back to collecting action figures. I had a great comic collection as a kid that was lost when we moved from Europe back to Canada. Broke my heart. But I started collecting comic books again during the late 70s to the early 90s. I loved the way I could escape into the fantasy I loved so much as a child. I still follow more than 20 titles currently but I no longer purchase the 'hard copy' comic books. I should dig out a tub and see what is in there.

9. I love action figures. I have ever since I was a kid but the loss of my childhood collection stopped me from indulging in that love for decades. It was then that I saw the Doctor Strange action figure at toy stores. Comics has priced themselves out of my interest and toys had taken their place. From there I have build a pretty nice toy collection. Currently I am crazy about filling out my Monster High selection of themes and characters and I don't care what people think about that. I know a great line of toys when I see one and sometimes one collects because they love the way a certain doll looks on display. The Monster High dolls are all great to look at and are the pinnacle of what Barbie SHOULD have been doing decades ago. Like the rest of my collection, what I love to LOOK AT gets picked over anything else. It's the only thing that guides the pieces that I buy. I can't have everything but I can have most everything that I love if I love it enough. It's why I have few figures from the Star Wars or GI JOE or Marvel Universe franchises. While they may look great, they are too small for me to fully appreciate. As you can see I can talk toys all day long.

 

10. I would volunteer to go to Mars if you gave me my cat, enough food to make it interesting, internet access and I would be your test monkey there and back. I could do three years on a spaceship standing on my hands. Just keep me entertained and I will go myself. I just wonder that I might not be the best 'team player' for the mission. I can imagine people who annoy me getting 'wooooshed' out of airlocks a lot. This is also my application to work at some research station at the South Pole. I could provide those hearty scientists with the finest in internet entertainment. And I can type and file and I made a great perogy at 40 below. I also know how to test human blood for alien contaminants. Those kind of cold weather survival skills are just a piece of my vast skill set.

11. I am trying to work my way into volunteering at an outreach school in my town but am not sure how to approach the director. Its' the kind of work I want to be doing. Besides that I need a way to figure out if I really WANT or CAN get back into the classroom. After five years I feel very out of touch. I can work without pay to see if I can still be the teacher I once was. If it works out then I will start subbing (I mean babysitting) in the new year. I have a few little projects I can use the extra money for. I also need to get out into the real world and interact with people other than doctors or grocery check-out or pharmacy girls or drive-thu attendants. It's all part of my master plan to reintegrate myself back into human society by the time I am 50. I am 48 and 40 lbs lighter so far. Have I mentioned that yet? I am terrified of this whole life change more than any of you will ever know. I now have an employment counselor who is setting up an appointment with the Director of the Outreach School because she has an in with him. This is why you network people. I am more terrified than ever because this stupid idea of mine just might work. The gods do seem to reward me in situations like this - as compensation for my other sufferings, which are eternal and I only wish upon my worse enemies.

12. I have a new fear - Astronaut Zombies In Space - I don't like the idea of my crewmates turning into blood and brain thirsty maniacs all the while still wearing their spacesuits with convenient nametags still attached. GAH! Chills me to the bone.

13.  I will eat no dairy product that I myself have not opened. I had some cottage cheese with my salad yesterday and it had already been opened when I got to the container. I have been feeling weird all day because of it. If the cephalopods don't getcha the dairy products will.

14. I don't drink coffee. After I got sick on a 'bottomless' cup of coffee at Denny's while waiting to be picked up by parents who didn't know we were waiting for them. Since then, not a cup of the Devil's brew. I know I am missing out but like with beer, I just never got the 'taste' for it.

15. I was actually in two fights my entire life. The first one ended when the kid I was against handed his glasses to the teacher. Then I sucker punched him with one shot. Then I was dragged away by the Principal who should have been applauding me for ending the crisis quickly, not chastising me. The second time was at a bar in Yellowknife. A real saloon brawl erupted and I grabbed a guy and basically he and I just danced around when everyone else punched each other for real. Tables and chairs were broken. It was a whole riot. The best part is that I was in there with a group of drunk teachers after parent/teacher interviews. They were all beat up the next day and I was without a mark (basically because I danced and didn't punch). Soon the legend of my fighting skills grew and I did nothing to dispel the myth.

16. I know I won't like a person is if I can finish their sentences in my head while they are talking. It's the same trick I use to get through a horrible movie. I rewrite the film in my head while watching the train wreck in front of me. Learn the art of conversation people. It will save your life if you ever have to actually interact with a live human being. I know this even though currently I don't practice it. I was once pretty good at being around people. I need to see if I still have my ability to schmooze. It's my other superpower.

17. I am smarter than any ten of you put together. "It must be comforting to always know you are the smartest person in the room." "No, it's terrible." (- Holly Hunter - Broadcast News). I am a pretty good TV show detective too. I always know who did it and why long before the final credits. I also can usually figure out who is going to eliminated each week on Survivor or Big Brother just by the edit they broadcast. But the price of my genius is the ennui that goes with it. Look, I have another superpower.

18. I love to blog. Probably because I have this deathly need to communicate my thoughts with the outside world. It makes me feel less isolated. I am lucky. People tend to like my stuff. I get very few trolls who bother me. Even my crazy hillbilly Mormon gun nut Obama haters still visit and comment positively on occasion. It's fun to look back and see the impressive body of work I have created. The Cave of Cool is the kind of shit that should be broadcasted or blasted into space. This is the kind of balloon juice that the aliens need to see. Well that and pictures of GIANT KITTIES!!