Tuesday, August 21, 2018

What A Load Of Balloon Juice

There is one, ONE reason to ever play a board game with another human being. And I think that one thing is really three things and never more elegantly expressed than in this clip.

The only reason to start a board game is so you can end the board game with some relative or friend in tears. Without that, what is the point? Play to win Monopoly. Do NOT be one of those people who start trying to collect all the ONE dollar bills in the game like they are geniuses or something. Hey, idiot, I will give you five of my ones for one of your 20 dollar bills. Toddlers fall for that one all the time.

Board games are blood sport. Don't start nuttin/ Won't be nuttin is usally my mantra but the person I become when I play a board game is an entirely different beast. This Board Game Calvin is a scoundral, a back stabber, a lying and a manipulator who will turn two friends against each other so they become weak and thus easier to pick off. If I meet you away from the game I will be concerned about your welfare and safety. But if you have armies on my board I will crush your spirit and all hope that you ever had in your heart. I must win so that you can know what it is like to lose many times over if we are close friends or family. Once a year you will need to be reminded why playing RISK with me will always ends in your sadness. I will TRY not to make you cry but only you know your own level of tolerance for such crushing disappointments in your life. I even yelled a a Nun once. A NUN! The most tolerate and even tempered women in the world.

"So don't get all up in my grill with your complaints and accusations unless you still have armies on the board. If you don't then sit your bitch ass down because like in this game, you are dead to me. Now have some sense and stop embarrassing yourself in front to the students. If you need to cry please leave the room. I will not watch a Nun cry especially when she is crying over her inabilty to hold North America. To be honest with you, Sister, you got soft and made an alliance with someone you should not have trusted because you confused HUMAN Calvin with BOARD GAME Calvin who is a cuthroat dog who will kill any man or beast or 60 year old servent of the Lord that he has to, to win the game."

Then she said a prayer over her plastic armies and her dice and I wanted to crush her even more. I feared not the wrath of God because there is no God. There is only some 'Nun' (who I never say in her Habit BTW) who thinks she can call for help from an imaginary deity? I want to crush her so much more now than I wanted to crush her before. She tried to USE her Bene Gesserit tricks but when she saw I was immune to them she stopped. She even asked for a free roll because he previous roll was crap but one of the dice had fallen to the floor. I DENIED her request and then took my entire army to crush all she had left in North America. Like a cat with a dead moose I toyed with her and saved her pitifill army for the final coup de grace. The knife to the heart. The taking of her cards which gave me the abilty to trade in for even more armies to complete my conquest of two worlds.

I regret nothing.


nolan said...

I think a Canadian history buff like you would absolutely love a Few Acres of Snow. Never played it myself, but it's almost like it was designed special for you! :)

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Do I get to kill people in the snow?

nolan said...

Kinda... You get to siege. People die in sieges, right? Check out a quickplay on youtube. The game looks like advanced Risk. I've heard good things about Twilight Struggle (set during the Cold War) too, but the rules are intimidating as hell. Makes a recluse like me wish you could play these solo... :(