Monday, April 26, 2010

I Hate Archie Comics

I love the way people are losing their nut over 'Archie' comics these days. First we have an interracial relationship and then they are introducing their first gay character (cue the bonfires). Of all the comic books to be described as 'edgy', 'Archie' is the last one I would think of. What does this all mean? Is it finally okay to support the gay and mixed marriages now that they have been given 'Archie's' stamp of approval?

I have this vision of parents all over the country searching their kid's rooms for the offending issues and tossing them out. Sure the kid can keep his collection of 'Guns and Ammo' but that 'Archie' smut has to go.

In the past I have made no secrets of my hatred for this comic. It is harmless but just has always bothered me. It has essentially been the same story for the past 40 years. The characters are the same, the situations are the same, and the humor is the same - no growth, no change, no development. Occasionally they will get all hip and do a story that shows a character listening to something as cutting edge as a 'Walkman'.

Veronica is a bitch and Betty is nuttier than that chick in 'Twilight' who would rather be in love with a guy who makes her feel like shit than to find someone who doesn't do that.

If you only read 'Archie' comics I will give criticizing you a pass. You don't know any better and you are probably a girl. However, if you have read even ONE other title that isn't 'Archie related then there is NO EXCUSE good enough to explain your actions. You should know that what you are reading is crap and expect more.

Hell even 'Richie Rich' or any of those Harvey comics are better and they never change either.

My sister used to read all the 'Archies' that she could get her hands on especially those digests that they sell at the grocery store check-out. In fact she married a guy who like Jughead has a tapeworm. How else can he eat that much and never gain any weight.

When I was a kid I got forced to go to 'bible camp' every summer for a week. I did that three years in a row. It was fun to camp but all that Jeebus stuff got to be annoying.

One day we were bored and helped clean out the mess hall. As a reward, the priest gave us a stack of comics. Sure they were all Archie comics but who was I to complain? I was getting to do something I liked to do (read comics) under a nice shade tree in the forest.

However, these were not ordinary 'Archie' comics. They were BIBLE ARCHIES!!!. Every couple of pages the characters made sure to shovel in some religious balloon juice. I felt betrayed and manipulated and tossed away the comic I was reading in disgust.

That night as the bonfire burned I took that stack of comics and added them to the fire. Quite a bold gesture in front of all the holy rollers. That priest looked at me like I had sacrificed the baby Jeebus himself to the flames. But to me the madness had to be stopped and I stopped it there.

For that reason and many others I look on this newest 'controversy' with amusement.


M. D. Jackson said...

Archie Comics: As edgy as a billiard ball.

Pat Tillett said...

My demented older brother (he of the Blachhawk comic books), loved Archie also. Even as a very young kid, I thought they were stupid.

Did you know that Bazooka bubble gum, used to sometimes contain a small archie comic?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

You have to have the attention span of a goldfish to not notice that the second Archie comic you read was exactly like the first.

DrGoat said...

I've distained Archie comics ever since I started reading comic books in the middle '50s.
I got more enjoyment out of Bazooka Joe bubblegum wrappers. Next to The Metal Men or X-Men or Fantastic Four, Archie comics made us puke.

Laura said...

Okay good. I'm glad that it's not just me that thinks Archie sucks. :P

Not that I'm some big comic book reader but, I've read "some'. Enough to know that Archie sucks.

Ooooo! I just LOVED your story about throwing the Bible Archie into the fire. Tres sex-eh! :P

Is that you on the sidebar? You're very cute. I've got a "thing" for bald men so.. there. :)


Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Thank you Sunshine. I am blushing.

Nathan said...

Did you know that the Archie gang hates evolution?

Ricky Shambles said...

Archie was a foul, foul beast that wept suck and turned me off of comics for a few years until a friend in Jr. High introduced me to a man named Logan...

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I hear you Ricky. There was a girl I knew at Cadet Camp one summer who was an Archie freak until I too showed her the X-Men. Her life was never the same again.