Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Monster Meme About Me - Part The First

1-How are you?

Still unable to be killed by any conventional means it appears.

2-Post a picture of yourself.

3-Do you ever wish you were someone else?

I wish I was a person that SOME girl out there would find interesting after reading my blog, then decide that she just had to meet me to see if I was as cool as I appear. Then she would be so impressed that she would emigrate from the Ukraine to find a better life with me. Then, much to her surprise, she would fall so much in love with me that she could never remember happiness before she met me.

4-What is your entire name?

Captain Funkateer Funk Master is my Rap Name and the ladies in the Spice Girls call me Pepsi Spice. I have also been known as Big Daddy (but that was the ladies that were impressed with me, not because I am parent). I use CAL but often type KAL in honor of Kal-El - Superman.

5-How old are you?

I have seen 49 trips around this sun of ours and have become a man that no woman needs to fix. I am already beaten down and am ready to be loved. I have all kinds of potential so fix a brother up if you know a girl with low self-esteem who wants and needs a champion in her corner. I thought you girls liked broken boys like that.
6-Age you get mistaken for:

Often people think I am in my thirties but that is because all of the people in my life age slower than most. My Mother is 74 and still looks ten years older. Look at the Queen on her money. That is exactly when my Mother looks like.

7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:

I have read enough of these to know that they don't really have any power to predict your life or behaviors. But I still believe when they describe my personality traits in a good way.

8-What did you do on your last birthday?

Spent it alone like most holidays. I hate celebrations like Christmas and birthdays because I hate how no one ever puts in the effort to include me in the magic. I find Christmas very depressing since my Father died. He really did it up great and I couldn't even celebrate without him again. I do a lot of children's charity work at the holidays and still it hasn't brought back that illusion Christmas Spirit - which I have only felt ONCE in my life.
9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?

I want to lose another 50 lbs and buy some great cloths that the ladies would notice the moment I walked into a club or party. I want my beard to be mythical. If I look good then I will fee confident about going up to the cutest girl in the room and introduce myself to her.

10-What is your hair color?
Auburn with streaks of gold and silver and brown. I would like to dye it one color but I think I would lose what makes me more interesting. And I would probably mess up the 'Just For Men' instructions.

11-Have you ever dyed your hair?

In college I got a perm with an yellow coloring. With my striped shirt all my friends called me Sailor Mike because I looked like I should be on a gay cruise as their dance instructor. I was horrid.
12-What is your eye color?

Deep Romantic Blue

13-If you could change your eye color, would you?
I would love to have the blue within blue eyes like the Fremen of Arrakis. I really like that look.

15-Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it:

I think my weight issues since high school have kept me from finding a girlfriend all through college and university. I am not the kind of guy who women find attractive for some reason. I have been on maybe five dates in my life and I have only had 2 real girlfriends in my life. Half of that was because of fear and the other was because the lack of attention allowed me to hide in the background and observe others. I had many female friends but no one that saw that something special in me. It is my lot in life to die alone. I need to meet more people with single sisters who have been hurt by a man in the past and would adore being treated by a queen by me.

16-Have you ever considered plastic surgery?
What would you alter about your body?

I am having some plastic surgery this month I hope when I get some metal shotgun shot removed from my face. I was shot trying to escape an abusive guy who was after his wife and kids. We all tried to drive her away from the bad situation but he fired at her truck and I was hit in the face by bad shot and glass shards from the shot out windshield.

17-Say 8 facts about your body:

I have the legs of a god.
I can grow a decent beard.
I have never broken a bone.
I am faster than you would think. Imagine a gazelle in the jungle.
I am smarter than any ten of you in a room and yes, it's a terrible feeling.
I never cared about losing my hair because I look really good with my head shaved.
I hate trimming that nail on the pinky toe. I want it permanently removed because it annoys me.
I wish I could dress like a skinny boy because skinny boys can wear anything.

18-Do you have any tattoos?

I wish I would have gotten some cool and memorable designs when I was younger but I was always afraid of the pain and the Hep C and I truly never saw anything that caught me attention enough to make it permanent. A few years ago I thought this Batman/Superman symbol would be great.

19-Do you have any piercings?

I did have one ear pierced and I like wearing a diamond earring that my beloved Coral gave to me when she lost it's mate. I loved that gift. Made me feel closer to her.

20-Left or right handed?

Right handed and I hate that I can't write with my left hand or throw left handed. It's like my brain is damaged. I should be able to do both if I practice enough, right? It makes no sense. Most successful people are left handed or a higher proportion of them are.

21-What’s your sexual orientation?

Ask your Momma. She stills buys me gifts and it's not even my birthday.

22-Do you drink?
Not really. When I do it's only the distillations of the potato. Vodka is the best booze. No hangovers like I get with Rye whiskey. I want to get some nice brandy to sip on. I am not a Scotch guy at all.
23-Do you smoke?

Cuban cigars occasionally and a little bit of that Hobbit Leaf (Old Toby)

24-Do you have any pets?
Rear Admiral Fluffy Von Schoochie Baloo of the Manhattan Schoochie Baloos.

25-Where do you work?

Most of my work I can't talk about because it's not something you people need to know about. You have enough to frighten you already. Let it be said I don't really have to work. My father was very generous with his life insurance when he died. I substitute teach sometimes to just keep in the game but I am really looking for a fun job that will bring me new experiences and a chance to get back participating in the real world.
26-Something you are working on right now:

My blog, another script for a graphic novel. Editing one of the four books I have wrote in the past five years, organizing my loose action figures so I can display them complete in my new display case. It's quite a chore re-associating the little parts with the figure they originally went with. I hate opening my toys for that very reason. I want all my toys complete as they were sold.

27-Do you have any “rules” about food?

I hate beets but love beet leaves. I will not using any dairy products that I have not personally opened. I like yogurt with my cereal. Anyone who makes me a grilled cheese sammich will have my eternal love.

28-Where are you from?

Western Canada but I consider myself a citizen of the world since I travelled much as a younger man.
29-What would you say is your best quality?

I am very smart and witty. I love my friends (the few I have) and would kill and die for anyone of them. I am an expert teacher who can leave a classroom spellbound (in a good way). I am fair. I stand up for those weaker than myself, especially children, the handicapped and animals.

I can't remove the white covering on 18, 6, and 3. I tried everything. Any advice?

1 comment:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

That Sailor Mike story cracked me up!