Friday, August 28, 2015

This Is The Kind Of Day I Am Having

Having the worst frickin' day. First I accidentally deleted 28 seasons of COPS that took me a month to download. Couldn't recover them because they didn't go into my trash bin. Then I hear this cat meowing by our door and find it's the neighbor's chunkasaurus rex trying to get into our place again. I try to usher him out of our home as my own scaredy cat just decided let this huge interloper run free.

As I was about to gently push him out the door he dug a claw into me that hit a vein in my hand and I am currently spurting blood. Now I have this bump left over that looks like poison from the time I was bit by a rattle snake and needed to have someone suck out the poison to save my life. So likely I will be dead by morning and the cause of my death will be the GLEEP or the CAT PLAGUE.

I think I am getting the Cat Plague from my scratch. This is the same way the KGB got that journalist they didn't like. I should have my blood analyzed for the ensyme that may give me the Cat Scratch Fever as well. I have already hacked up a hairball and can feel an urge to lick my balls - well more than the usual daily compulsion.

It's a full moon tonight and I do feel like transforming into a great cat beast but...MEH. I have to get up early for Farmer's Market before all the Hillbillies arrive.

But I do so under protest. Since I am now Patient Zero of this Cat Plague I really should be more socially conscious. But I need a bratwurst with hot mustard or what is the sense of going to the Farmers Market in the first place. So if this is the beginning of a great series of mysterious deaths in my town I want it known that I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

But damn those bratwurst are good.


j-swin said...

Holy shit, bro. First, throw some peroxide on that stabbing. Second, kick that cat as hard as you can next time you see it. And third, leave the blood on the floor, mark your territory and let that mangie bastard known what's yours.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I would never punt a kitty. So I chased it back to his house with a wet mop. But that took about twenty minutes because this monster sized cat is so slow. And all those times I untangled hm from the hedge when he gets himself all tangled. And I tried to feed him once but he ignored me like the hired help that I was. But to do this..TO ME. I am almost buddist in my love for animals. I eat every ant I kill just so they can be a part of me. I was turned on by a kitty and I am a KITTY WHISPERER.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Well, at least you will have died in defending your home with valour.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

That should have been MY cat's job but as usual I saw him hiding in the back like he was taking notes. The reporter doesn't get involved in the story was his excuse.