I hate the Noah's Ark story. Even as a kid, to me, this story had more holes in it than a block of Swiss cheese.
Two of EVERY animal in the world - including insects and birds? I had been to the zoo a few times as a child and the thought that all the animals there could fit on one boat was ludicrous.
They also never reconciled the whole carnivore vs herbivore issue to my satisfaction. Did they stay on different floors on this cruise ship? If 'god' told them the tigers not to eat the gazelles then what did the tigers eat? I guess the ugly gazelles who weren't pretty enough to be the two 'chosen' ones.
The 'poop' question alone would make my head spin. That would have been a 24/7 job for some poor bastard. You know Noah wasn't picking up a shovel. Once a Sunday school teacher told me they didn't go to the bathroom. They just 'held' it...for forty days and forty nights. I can't even hold it past dinner time.
Also, where were all the dinosaurs. Did they lose their invitations in the mail? Or were they all gone by the time 'god' decided it was time to wash everything clean?
AND, how dickish a move was it to flood the ENTIRE WORLD? You are GOD, you could burn a few bushes in front of these illiterate sheep herders and they would have got the message. Talk about overkill. The 'god' in the Old Testament is like a toddler who isn't getting his way in the grocery store.
So the lesson here is that if I am not good then 'god' will drown me. Good luck getting me into the tub ever again. To me you are not my mom but 'god's' henchman waiting for a chance to push my head under the water. Like I am going to give you the chance to carry out your plan.
It's all very disturbing.
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7 comments:
As a kid i had serious doubts about the whole Ark because there wasn't any dinosaurs on board and i loved dinosaurs and thought that was a pretty bum deal not letting them on board.
Then as i got older it dawned on me when they made this story up they didn't know about dinosaurs.
The whole story comes from an ancient story about a farmer saving his family and livestock during a flood, the chaps who wrote the Bible just jazzed the story up and created a big ass boat and a guy named Noah, i'm sure they would have added cgi and 3-D if they had them then.
Yeh, I figured it out early and it made all those other Bible stories suspect. I was one of those kids who asked the uncomfortable questions and was sent out of the room lest I infect the herd with my blasphemy.
Of course modern-day Bible scholars might say that the story shouldn't be taken literally, and also that the "world" referred to in the Ark story was the known world ( the Middle East ) of the Bible's authors, so would have had a limited amount of species.
I'd recommend you read Julian Barnes' "A History Of The World In 10 1/2 Chapters" for a very witty take on the Flood story, told by an animal who stowed away on board, and who hasn't got many good things to say about humans in general or Noah in particular.
The crazy part is that the Bible gives you specific measurements of the size of the ship making the story that much more impossible to reconcile using logic or common sense.
As Bill Cosby said in his famous bit -
God - "Build me a boat 80 cubits, 30 cubits.
Noah - "What's a cubit"
My brother and I had the entire "Noah" bit memorized. We used to take turns as to which part we played. We'd do it at parties. I wonder if we could still pull it off?
"Two mosquitoes."
"Male or female?"
Allegories, people. Allegories.
I was raised listening to Bill Cosby comedy records. My Dad always liked his comedy and couldn't get us Richard Pryor albums cause the language freaked my mother out. I have seen Cosby in concert twice and his old routines and stories still hold up after all these years. I can still remember the football game routine. ("I don't want to be the bottle cap.")
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