Thursday, December 30, 2010

Things That Must Die IN 2011 - Part 1

I have no illusions that any of these things will change because they are mostly things that I hate and that list is always highly selective and personal. However, if you want the world fixed I think you should go with a big idea guy like me who gives much thought to these weighty issues.

1. That 'hello squeal' that women give each other when they first see each other. This is usually accompanied by the single or double cheek kiss. This is beyond irritating.

It's not like you haven't seen each other in years or one of you just returned from the dead. It's the most banal and phony of greetings and we guys have let you get away with it for too long.

It generates a vocal pitch that, if focussed, could drop a cloud of bats to the ground in mid-flight. It's almost as bad as those Vuvuzelas.

You married guys or guys with girlfriends are the most to blame because you KNOW how annoying it is but you don't say anything about her 'toning it down a little'. Watch two guys greet each other.

If they are close it's a handshake (one grip or pump) accompanied by a quick hug if you are comfy with that. If you don't know each other well it's a civilized 'hey' or 'how you doing?' accompanied by a backwards head tilt. Clean, simple and then DONE.

2. I have complained about this next one before - Teenage pregnancy shows like 'Teen Mom' or '16 and Pregnant'.

Why 16 as the base age for screwing up? Because it is at the focus point between immature horny boys and girls with stars in their eyes who want to live their whole lives in the exact second that they finally feel independence from their families - the point where their friends and what others teens think of them becomes the most important thing ever in their lives. The girls (who often are smart) all think the boy will want to share in the fantasy of playing 'family' but they never do.

The boys all cannot handle the way that being pregnant changes a girl and her priorities. She will do anything; cry, use guilt (over the way their life has changed) to get this guy to accept his new programming but the guys always fight against that.

Guys always are shocked to find that the girl they knocked up is not the same girl she was before. They can't put together that creating LIFE with another person would become such a big deal all of a sudden. Teenage hormones mixed with pregnancy hormones make girls very emotionally needy. That is a cup that no teen boy can fill and it is always a source of tension.

It's my own fault for watching these shows but I wanted to see if all this hype and attention these are getting in the popular culture right now was about.

Apparently having a baby to get on MTV is a powerful consequence of these kind of shows that glamorize having a baby young. Who knew that girls would only see what they want to see and miss the lesson entirely? Remember when we had those 'pregnancy pacts'? This is just as destructive to both the girl's, guy's and baby's lives.

Girls need to force birth control on their boyfriends no matter what the guy says or promises and more men need to hammer it into their sons that their whole futures and happy lives depend on decisions they make in their teen years. I am not saying we need to have abstinence rings or shit like that. If you want to fuck, fuck but be smart about it. The fact are out there. Educate yourself.

3. There is no longer an excuse for bad cosplay. You have seen the best and know the level you much reach before wearing that costume in public. If your look does not go with your physical features then it will always look 'off'. You really need to know which character you CAN be and you CAN'T be. For example, only strippers should wear that white Emma Frost costume. However, this can be largely compensated for by comic referenced exactness and imagination. These two G.I. Joe guys got it just right.

Note - If you have the body to DO Powergirl right it's sorta your duty to human civilization to wear that look at least once in your life.

4. This fear of SNOW. You do people REALIZE that you can buy mittens and a toque and boots with no-slip soles to make you ability to 'deal' with the snow easier, right?. They are not HIDING these valuable items from you in the stores so you CAN find them with just a little effort. The best part is these items can be used EVERY WINTER. You don't have to eat them when spring roles around and find yourself left needing them when the snows come.

First it was evolution that you didn't believe and now you refuse to acknowledge that the Earth has SEASONS and that the further you go North from the equator, the more likely it is that you might experience variations in temperature and precipitation.

If you got snow LAST year where you lived then there is a pretty good chance that you will get some THIS year and NEXT year. Dare I predict what will happen the season after that one?

For a race that has wiped out entire cultures and pushed many animal species to the brink of extinction by our relentless need to keep moving forward as the top of the food chain, somehow we feel powerless against an invasion of frozen water droplets falling from the sky.

Got me thinking about 'War of the World' by H.G. Wells. Like germs to the Martians, humans are laid low by the tiny snowflake. You don't have to surrender to it. You just have to learn how to DEAL with it.

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