Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Rapture


I have always held a special place in my cold and bitter heart for an event known as 'The Rapture'. According to followers of this concept, they (and only they) will be called back to heaven to act as a sorta cheering section for the last battles of the apocalypse.

Only the truly righteous and deserving will be given this special honor. Only they will get to sit out the end of the world. They never say how day to day living conditions will be for these 'saved' individuals. I find many things about this 'event' equally annoying and disturbing.


I know if I started finding piles of pants and purses that my first chore would be to go through their pockets for loose change.

Is there a special 'rapture wear' that everyone will given? Personally I hope for monogrammed bathrobes. But it will more likely resemble some form of cold war communist chic when you wore what they told you to wear and you didn't complain. One size, no selection.


There are a number of cults and goofy religious groups that believe very strongly in this 'rapture' business. These people believe that by some kind of byzantine formula, they have been able to get the precise day the world will end. Don't worry. I was yesterday. If you haven't been raptured by this time it looks like you got passed over.

It must be embarrassing to tell your congregation that you are sure the world will end and then have to face those same people (many who have sold all their worldly possessions) that following Sunday. Is there another way to say, "Sorry everyone, I fucked up" in more church friendly language?


I have to give credit to some smart entrepreneur who figured out that he could make a fortune selling 'rapture insurance' - just in case you weren't sure that your shaky behavior would get you invited to the big dance. Hey, if it worked for the Catholic Church during the Middle Ages (where one could buy a 'get out of hell' free card called an Indulgence) it could still work today.

There is even pet rapture insurance that insures that your cat and dog will be taken care of when you are 'away'.




Soothsayers have been predicting the end of the world since there even was a world. It's good to have something to look forward to and I always feel better after one of these 'events' have passed.

I once again have proof that there is no 'god' to wreck the world. Any apocalypse that I want to see come along has to be earned by me. It's good for all of you that I am basically a lazy guy or BOY, would you people get what's coming to you.

The world ending cults that actually go all the way and commit suicide in time to meet that big space ship in the sky both sadden me and have my respect. Now there is how you commit to a goofy idea without ever asking why God needs a spaceship in the first place. That's how you end your life - as a goober who would actually believe such crap before going to the library and checking out a book other than the Bible.

7 comments:

Unknown said...

OH, youre still here Kal? I thought you'd have been taken up by now mate! Oh well, it looks like you will just have to continue living with the rest of us...

Kal said...

You got me figured all wrong my friend. I would tie myself to a light pole to prevent joining the group of people who would be raptured. I have seen some of these people and this is not a group I want any part of.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Ha ha, I like that Randy Savage theory!

Belle said...

I love some of these pics, especially war criminal Bush looking forward to heaven. What will he do there? They alread had a war.

M. D. Jackson said...

OnSaturday we took our daughter out to lunch for her birthday and there was no one around. The streets and the restaurant were freakishly empty. We thought maybe it actually had happened and all that were left behind were us and the waitresses at the restaurant.

Turns out everyone had just left town for the Victoria Day long weekend. Just as well I wasn't raptured or I would have missed an awesome Monte Cristo sandwich and sweet potato fries!

DrGoat said...

I wasn't a wrestling fan, but it was sad to see Randy go. He was the best and most entertaining of the lot. Much more fun than Hogan.

Ruth said...

I love all the pictures!