Tuesday, July 21, 2015

I Was All Excited Until I Realized This Was From THE ONION

The deep-fried sea monstrosity, which could reportedly swallow three grown men at once in its cavernous jaws, will be available as a two-piece value meal or a po’ boy sandwich.


LOUISVILLE, KY—Calling it an “exciting new menu item dragged from the darkest reaches of the salty abyss,” executives at seafood restaurant chain Long John Silver’s introduced their latest fast-food offering Thursday, the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep.

The deep-fried ocean beast, which was reportedly subdued by the restaurant’s fishermen following an arduous three-day-long battle in the North Sea that claimed the lives of 80 good men, will be available at participating franchise locations for a limited time only.

“We are pleased to offer our guests a taste of the unimaginable horrors that lurk in the briny deep,” said company spokesperson Eric Hutcherson, adding that the nightmarish, slithering mass—whose powerful, iron-like tentacles could snap ships’ masts as though they were so much kindling—is dredged in Long John Silver’s signature batter and cooked until golden brown. “Pulled straight from Davy Jones’ Locker, which it made the watery grave of many a brave and noble sailor, this ungodly leviathan comes with fries, creamy coleslaw, and a 20-ounce fountain beverage of your choice for just $4.99.”


Nathan said...

Yeah, onions don't go well with seafood. Oh, wait.

If I remember correctly, everything at Long John Silver's tastes pretty much the same anyway.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

So you are saying I should pretend I am eating octopus.