Monday, January 26, 2009

Making Sick In My Space Helmet

Now I am not one to rant but if I see ONE MORE TALKING ANIMAL MOVIE that doesn't involve talking cats ("I Can Has Cheeseburger - The LOL Cats Movie") I will be back on the water tower with a rifle. SPACE BUDDIES does nothing to advance civilization, NASA's reputation or my own sanity. Of course these lovable and puntable fleabags all look alike but wear separate necklaces so we can tell that they have something resembling different personalities. One is the sports dog, one the hip hop dog, one the girl dog, one the dirty dog and for fun lets add a budhist dog (for the eastern perspective), a russian dog (called Sputnik - how original) and a ferret - just like it would happen in real life. Nice to see that the ship itself is designed with controls that allow even a THUMBLESS astronaut (like maybe a dog or a ferret) who can't read to operate. There are your tax dollars really at work people. Now of course movies like this aren't made for childless and non-retarded persons like myself but can we at least TRY. Add to that an evile scientist guy whose small stature obviously is something else he overcompensates for. But Calvin, how does the ship have dog sized space suits readily available? Oh they have a machine that makes suits automatically - which of course the girl dog has to try out right away - because girls are all about the outfit. That shouldn't cause problems unless of course they leave the remote controlled space ship open...and ungaurded, and unchecked before launch. Ooops. All we need is one of the dogs to say "Lets take a quick look inside." with three minutes to launch. Well what do you know...SPACE DOGS. GRRRRRRRRR. OH NO..evile scientist guy sabotaged the mission. How will the dogs ever make it safely home? Could the melancholy dog on the Russian space station help them refuel? Will the crazy russian cosmonaut let them go? Will he wake up before the refueling causes the space station to go boom? Can a puppy land a ship on the moon? Will they crash and end my suffering? Will the stirring music they play as the dogs actually walk on the moon make me puke into my mouth? (for the record...IT DID) Will the ferret take over mission control so they can get home safely? Will evile scientist guy (with astrophysics degreee) kill the puppies only to be foiled at the last minute by an EIGHT YEAR OLD? Will the stupidest dog have to do a space walk to fix the broken antenae array after eating all the bean burritos on the space ship? Will the methane gas produced in said dog actually affect the plot in any way? Could the Chihuahuas on the mexican beach with their tiquila and their tiny sombraros look any more worried? Could the ticker tape parade be any lamer(4 peice band and only two cars)? Will the owner of the hip hop dog get shot for continually flashing gang signs? (If there is a GOD he will.) Will they stop calling each other 'dog' (which is only cool to call someone who is not ACTUALLY a dog)? Could I care even less? Not with original dialog like this:

"This is radical."
"Totally Awesome."
"This is off the chain insane dog."
"I say we make like a bread truck and haul buns."
"Did someone get the licence plate of that UFO?"
"One small step for giant leap for dogkind."
"Losing five puppies on the moon is not good for P.R."

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