Wednesday, January 21, 2009

OMG - Its Squirrel Appreciation Day

WHAT THE HELL? Squirrel Appreciation Day? How about a squirrel eradication day? Just to show how powerful the squirrel lobby is in the United States they actually have declared this the day to go out and put some lovin on our fur bearing fire starting rodent brothers. Where is Barack with an executive order to end this madness? The maniacs at the Huffington Post suggest we spend this day doing the following:

1. Check local television listings for documentaries about squirrels. The National Geographic Channel and Animal Planet are likely to have a special presentation.

2. Look out your window. Squirrels are everywhere. What can you learn about squirrels just by watching them in your own backyard?

3. Read a book about squirrels and their natural habitat.

4. Research squirrels online. You'll find several sites dedicated just to our furry friends. Did you know, for instance, that there are 365 species of squirrels?

Are they insane? Why don't we all just tie matchbooks to nuts and sprinkle them generously around our neighborhoods? Why not just fill our jumpers with sunflower seeds and open up our pant legs? How about making a documentary about looking out our windows with high power rifle scopes and then introduce Mr Fluffy Tail to Mr. Full Metal Jacket? Or going out with a chainsaw and destroying the natural habitat of the 365 (kill one for each day of the year) varieties of these pests. That sounds like a much more productive use of our time. Because you know this is just the kind of holiday they would use to lull us into complacency while they plot and scheme against the human race. This is no time to fall for the radical squirrel agenda. Teach your children the truth before it too late! Oh and while I have no direct proof of this, if they bite you you will turn into a vampire.

However, in Minnesota it is illegal to trap, kill or molest squirrels in any way. It is also illegal to sleep naked, tease a skunk or cross state lines with a duck on your head. So take that for what its worth and molest away....but not naked with a duck on your head because then you are really in the poop.

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