An Open Letter To All

I am embarrassed to say that I have no idea how these secret blueprints to the 'Cave of Coolness' went missing in the first place but I thank 'a rose is a rose' for bringing the information to my attention by quietly posting the pics on her blog.

It could have been my Chinese food delivery guy or his sister (who gives the best hot rock massage in three continents) but I have no proof to even begin accusing people willy nilly. I could go on and lie to the public like Tiger Woods but the truth WOULD have eventually gotten out and I would have been branded a liar which in this day and age seems to be the worse sin you can commit. My intentions was to keep silent so as to spare my friends and family the public embarrassment such news would bring to them. Everyone seems to think they are ENTITLED to know every little thing about me.

In all the hubbub in the last 24 hours, no one, however, seems to care that I HAD A FRICKIN' SECRET PYRAMID BASE FROM WHICH TO LAUNCH MY ATTACKS FROM. They only are bitching that I didn't share that information with them sooner. That isn't even the current base of operations that I use. Any who know me knows that I need access to water slightly deeper than the Nile from which to launch missions against the Cephalopod menace. I also prefer the cold to the dry and hot Egyptian air. Besides, Admiral Fluffy was fearful that they would come around and make a cat mummy out of him while he was sleeping.


So there it is. Now you bitches know. What's the problem anyways? Have I ever turned my superior tech upon you? NO! Have I threatened you and yours in anyway, shape or form? NO! Have I continued to allow those of you with stupid political and religious beliefs the complete freedom to spout your balloon juice? YES! I continue to believe that even the dull and ignorant have a right to their opinions. And, YES, I am talking about YOU.(fill in your name on the line to the right _________________)

This will be my last word on the subject. Just be happy I use my powers for GOOD and not EVIL. Sure I could do the world some good by greasing your Becks and Palins of this world but I have found in my travels that usually asshats like these are replaced pretty quickly after the necessary wetwork has be performed. Better the idiot you know right? I have been doing this work a long time so you just have to trust me. Everything is okay. Sleep well. I am watching over you.