Thursday, September 24, 2009

Rise of the Gargoyles

How is it that I know the second that you find two stupid sewer workers in modern day France that they will release something evil just because they are stupid and French? I suspect being stupid has nothing to do with it but I am sure the French part is true. Why does the guy holding his friend's feet (so the friend can get a 'better look') always pull so hard that he only ever gets half his buddy back? Why not just let go? We know the buddy is getting gnawed on by something, in this case, a gargoyle? I mean he can hear the chewing sounds, right? Let's be relieved that we have someone fully versed in the ancient lore of the Paris gargoyles (great name for a musical group) to save us. And look, he just happens to be teaching in Paris, in English, at this time. He also has a hot girlfriend. Can I tell you how this ends? Or begins? Or has a middle? There is something fresh...a guy living in Paris with ennui who is sad because no one believes that he believes there were once real creatures like the stone gargoyles that adorn buildings. MMMMM, these 'experts' show up in the most unexpected places don't they? I am not one to give romantic advice, but here's a tip. If your girlfriend asks you to go visit an old church scheduled for demolition in the middle of the night, you say NO. And what kind of demolition continues with all the artwork and valuable moldings and stained glass still on the walls? Now once you get to the bowels of the church with your gf its always best to leave her alone so that only she will be eaten by the monsters of the title JUST as her flashlight malfunctions. All I can say is "That's what you get!" for obeying all the worst horror movie conventions. Opps, I was wrong. She lived this time. I appreciate that Syfy makes these creature features but for once can they try a bit harder with the scripts. I mean you got the actors and you got the setting and you got a computer for CGI, just put a smidge more imagination into what you are doing. I mean you have a guy being chased in the basement of an ancient church by a supernatural creature who CAN'T EVEN CRASH THROUGH A CENTURIES OLD WOODEN DOOR!!! Now is you a gargoyle or is you a Keebler elf, bitch? I know from those Pink Panther movies that the French police are stupid but you would think they would be a bit suspicious of the huge SCRATCH MARKS on the hood of the Professor's wrecked car...not to mention the mangled body just dropped through it roof. If it was me, my first thought would be gargoyle...or those damn kids again. But we have a plucky reporter ready to do the investigative work (in English of course) that the police can't or won't do. Since she is blond and wears a low cut shirt we know she will live through what is to come as this is SYFY policy. This also means that the gf can 'suicide by gargoyle'. Now again, this is just me talking outloud, but I think if I was trying to get away from a creature that can FLY, I wouldn't climb to the roof. So lets get things straight for Inspector Clouseau. Young man, two dead bodies, one wrecked car. Yeh, I wouldn't suspect him at all. He was the last one to see her alive. Yeh, he is free to leave. After all, this is Paris and in Paris all crimes are committed by gargoyles until otherwise proven. The French are so stupid. No wonder Fantomas never leaves the country. There is no place better to be a master villain or a gargoyle lopping off heads for that matter. Ah, there he is...crazy Father Nutbag. I was wondering when he would show up to spout on about the evil that lives in the church. Nick Mancuso must have needed the money really bad and boy does he ham it up as the priest. Its a nice touch to actually have the French people speak french with the subtitles. Gives the whole feature a European flavour though I would have liked to have seen more footage of the city.

1 comment:

Wings1295 said...

Interesting... You know me, will be searching the SyFy guide to see if it's airing soon. ;)